In an unprecedented development for the United States Senate, Senator Rand Paul (R-KY) has introduced a bill that would balance the budget in five years, doing exactly what he promised his constituents he would do when they elected him.
This has left Republican Senate leaders scrambling. They’ve worked hard to go out of their way to undermine even the laziest attempt by any of their members to even partially keep any of the hilariously vague promises that got them elected in the first place.
“We simply can’t allow such behavior,” said Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell. “We can’t have our members running around adhering to the party platform or keeping promises they made to voters. That’s simply not what we do in the Republican Party.”
Senate Majority Whip John Cornyn was equally concerned. “It’s really thrown a wrench into the whole process of putting off tough and unpopular choices by mortgaging our kids’ future in a desperate attempt to keep our jobs. How are we supposed to keep tricking voters that we’re fighting for them when members are running around actually doing it?”
When asked how his own constituents are responding to this attitude, Sen. Cornyn replied “I just sat down with the Illuminati, and they’re perfectly happy with my performance. They were looking for a cynical husk of a human being when they completed a blood sacrifice to get me this job, and that’s exactly how I’ve conducted myself.”
When asked for a response, Sen. Rand Paul said only “What? What are you gonna do? Huh? Come at me.”
At press time, it was unclear whether Americans were more shocked by the consistently cynical behavior of most politicians or that there was at least one doing what they said they’d do.